Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
