can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Farmville is her only friend.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
