Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
