There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
