no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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