If i could tip my vagina, i would.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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