I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
