Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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