i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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