After last night, I could never be a politician.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
how drunk are you?
Several
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
