White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
