walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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