i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
