Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Send help, water and tortillas.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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