I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
