the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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