i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
