I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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