Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
