Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
