I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
