Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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