My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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