Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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