now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
