Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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