i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
babies were throwing up all over the place
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
