I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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