My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
