You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
