I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Panties = found
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