if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
if only i could text you this smell
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
