we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
