I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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