White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
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