I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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