I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
