at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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