If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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