sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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