She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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