The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
