Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
