don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
