he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
