In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
