Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
