I accidentally had phone sex last night
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
