from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
