don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
